A childs affirmation of love in the midst of Divorce: Tamara Schmitz

We got this great article from the Author Tamara Schmitz about her new big that helps children with the trauma of their parents divorce, the book is called “A childs affirmation of love in the midst of Divorce”. We hope you enjoy the article.

I very much agree with Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra’s quote “The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce” That being said, I admit I fall into the fifty percent category of people who work to defy that notion.

Few adversities are as challenging to the human spirit as that of going through a divorce. Sadly, when children are involved they are often even more affected by the plight than we are. Mine were two and five years old. Fortunately, there are efforts parents can make to lower these hurdles. We have to shift our personal strength into overdrive; first meet our basic needs, then set ourselves aside and meet the needs of our children. Easier said than done, but isn’t that what we as parents are supposed to do?

To keep myself in check, I compiled a short list of the most important advice for parents in this predicament and posted it on my refrigerator. I call them the Six Golden Rules to Help Children Through Divorce. These rules can be simple and obvious, but difficult to abide by, and easily forgotten in our strife.

1. With your spouse, tell your children before change takes place. Four out of five preschool aged children are never even told about their parents divorce! Babies know when there is a change in routine, or any stress in the household. Not only will this be one of the hardest conversations you’ll have to have with your children, but you’ll have to have it with the person you maybe least like. Don’t dismiss the idea of seeking help from a school counselor, mental health professional, social worker, religious advisor or support group. Other cultures call this “enlightenment”. I called it necessary.

2. Reassure children often that the divorce is not their fault. Children of all ages blame themselves. “If I would have thrown Mommy a better birthday party, they wouldn’t have got divorced!” or, “If I keep my room extra clean, they won’t fight” are often the perspectives of children. Many children hear their parents arguing over parenting issues. They need to know that most arguments about them result from problems in the marriage, not with them, and that they had absolutely nothing to do with your decision to divorce.

3. Let them know that you will still be their parents, even though the marriage has ended. Seems silly doesn’t it? Well, children can be silly! Let them know you will always be there for them, and that nothing could ever change the fact that you are their mom and dad. Children may fear abandonment of one or both parents, and not even ask about it. Which leads to the next rule…

4. Encourage them to ask questions. We are so lost in our own painful thoughts that we often go for hours without a spoken word. Break the silence by a simple “How ya doin’, hun?” Meet their eyes and give them your undivided attention, even if just for a fleeting minute. Give them the opportunity, and they’ll be more likely to talk and ask questions. Keep it simple, casual and frequent.

5. Do not criticize your ex-spouse. (That is criticizing them!) This may be the hardest rule of all! Children instinctively know that, on a cellular level, they are a part of both of you. You might as well be saying, “You are a loser” when you call your ex-spouse one. There is a saying that goes, “When shooting an arrow of truth, one must first dip it in honey.” Buy honey by the case!

6. Explain to them what unconditional love is! To know that you are loved beyond measure, to no end, is the most powerful and healing concept that a human can grasp. Give this gift to your child above all, whether you’re divorced or not. And believe in it for yourself. There is a love for us far greater than we can conceive, no spouse necessary!
My dad always told me that if you have the family unit, you have everything. I feared I was losing everything that summer day, standing in front of a judge in a cold Cincinnati courtroom. What I’ve come to realize is that my ex-husband, my children and I are a family unit. United we stood, divided we fell, but united in the interest of the children we live!

Tamara Schmitz is the author and illustrator of Standing on My Own Two Feet: A Child’s Affirmation of Love in the Midst of Divorce, a simply worded picture book for ages 0-100. She resides in Cincinnati with her blended family. For more information on her book, empowering coloring pages for children, and a bookmark of the “Six Golden Rules to Help Children Through Divorce” visit www.tamaraschmitz.com.